I have had a hard time sleeping for the last few months, I have been whiny, miserable, moody, frustrated, stressed out, and basically emotional because I could go on and on. Before I get too far I want to be clear: I understand in many cases why things are the way they are and I know that others are people too and I in no way mean to offend or put down the system or people. I just need to get this out before I explode! I starting crying in bed tonight because for the hundredth time in the last few months I am stressed to the max and I can't handle it. So here is my rant. I am hoping it will help me feel better, or at least help me sleep. But where to start.....
I spend at least 6 days a week at my school. I dance for over 15 hours a week, I have 4 hours of teacher training classes, I assist classes about 8 hours a week, I teach 8 hours a week, and I am in a little ballet company that I attend 1-2 times a week (I only have a small part in it because of my crazy schedule). I also try to fit in working in the costume room in the mornings to help pay off my partial scholarship. Then I have 4 rehearsals or shows that I have to 'volunteer' for, tons of manditory workshops and special days that cost money and happen on Sundays (my only day off).
With my teacher classes, I get some homework (most of the time it's not too much) but as I am getting close to my teacher exam I have many books to read, hundreds of exercises to memorize, and this is just the tip of the iceberg. I attempt to read and do the extra work as much as I can but I have many other stresses as well. Also, there are times when I get emails on a day off or during a holiday when I try to spend time actually seeing my husband with homework. This would never happen at another school! They assign homework during or at the end of class. If they miss it, they tell you next class. I especially find it stressful when the email comes very late the night before it should get done! When am I supposed to find the time to do it?
With my dance classes, I only have 3 hours a week of class in which I am covering the work I will do for my exam in June. They are very stressful hours in which I am threatened that if as a class we can't accomplish things "no one will take their exam!" Even if I know the work that we have been taught quite well (not perfect but the exam in in June!) I get threatened along with everyone else that we may not take the exam if they don't know the barre soon, even though I know those exercises very well! They also tell us that 3/week hours isn't enough time to be able to be ready and that we should be studying and practicing a few times a week on our own!
With other dance classes, I am expected to attend even in we spend most if not all of some classes on choreography for festivals. Because I am an adult, I am not in any festival dances because I would mess up the age category so I spend the time sitting on the floor. I try to study (which they don't like) or stretch or watch and learn but it gets boring and feels stupid because I have so many other things I could be doing. If I decide not to attend, the teachers look at me and speak to me in a disapproving manner, and basically make me feel so guilty. It seems like they think their class should be my top priority or that they are offended that I think their class isn't the most important thing I have to do. I do find my classes valuable and I do learn from attending but sometimes I just would rather not sit on the hard floor and do very little when I could be spending that time so much better.
When I assist I am not allowed to sit down, I have to be impeccably groomed, and I have to know exactly what to do to help the class or correct things and behave perfectly. This may sound terrible or like I am overexaggerating, but I have gotten in serious trouble for some of these things, and know people who have gotten in trouble for some of them and more. Sometimes it's ok if I am not sure what to do or if I am not sure how to correct students but other times I have been reprimanded or had serious discussions with teachers or the director of my program about those things. It has made me incredibly stressed about these classes that happen at the end of a long day, after I have danced and I am usually exhausted and trying to hide my yawning.
When I teach, I love it but it is stressful. The director of my program comes in a few times a year to watch and give me feedback and advice. This is a wonderful concept, and I have found this to be extremely helpful and educational. It's also a very stressful thing to have happen and while she is supposed to tell me in advance, sometimes that means an email very late the night before, or popping in unexpectedly without any notice. Also, there is choreography to choreograph which normally should happen in my 'spare' time; by now you know that I don't really have that. Some of my classes are also dancing with a soloist so I have to choreograph that part and set up times to work with them when there are empty studios available and when both of us have time. I also stress about trying to juggle choreo and class work, this is stress I put on myself because I really care about my students and I want them to be the best they can and I want them to learn as much as they can and do well. As a part of the shows I have to attend all the Sunday rehearsals, spending full days there on my only day off. This is only a few times and I really don't mind that on its own.
With the ballet company I was stressed out at the beginning of the year but I did it to myself and it was fun! I was in the Christmas show and attended rehearsals twice a week for the 3 parts I played in it! The end of November and beginning of December were filled with rehearsals and shows but it was a great experience and lots of fun! Since the new year started I have cut back and I am only in 2 dances for our show in March. It has been a nice relief and the artistic directors have been amazingly understanding and have not in the least been presssuring me for more. I have felt a bit of guilt and stress because we are expected to sell tickets for our show and I was unable to sell any at first. I found some people who want them yesterday but before that I hadn't sold any. When I explained why, I told them straight up "I spend all of my time here at the school and I do not have time to do other things, so I don't actually know anyone in Edmonton who is not connected with the dance school". This is not completely true, I do know a handful of people in the area but I never see them. We also have a silent auction at the show that each member is supposed to donate 3 items worth at least $25 for. As I am the only member in the company who does not live with parents (or guardians) and I am the only one to pay for rent, food, transportation, school, bills, etc completely by myself (or my husband, but same thing) I had spoken with some members on the board about this because I cannot afford to just donate $75. They were perfectly fine with it, but since then I have been made to feel guilty about this, as if I'm not doing my part, I also was told that my little story about why I don't have anything to donate was 'pitiful'. My husband and I are newly married students! How much money do you think we have? And how many paintings/jewelry/etc worth any money do you think we own?
So these are some of the things that have been causing me to lose sleep, have a messy house, make my husband to most of the cooking, have heart palpatations, and generally feel pretty unhappy. I am sick of school, sick of stress, and sick of being taken for granted! People expect so much from me and I get very seriously reprimanded if I make mistakes whether from inexperience, lack of knowlege, forgetfulness or whatever else. I often feel like I am treated as though I am not an adult. My teachers are used to working mainly with teenagers and I thing sometimes they forget that I am not one. I can understand they would be in a difficult position because I am an adult, but I am also their student and in ballet, it is necessary to be extremely disciplined and to work your students. I think that it is important for me to remember that they are human too, and likely stressed out as well. It is just as possible for them to make mistakes as me.
Anyways, here is my super long rant about my life. It is currently 12:58 am and I should really get to sleep now. I think I can sleep now, after getting this off my chest. As someone who does not do well when I'm tired, when I wake up in the morning I will probably feel rediculous for letting myself get so stressed out by all of this.
