It's been a long time since I've posted. Life has been crazy. It's amazing what a difference a few months can make.
I had my Advanced 1 exam on Tuesday June 4, and I think it went well. I am waiting for a phone call or email to find out my mark. This summer I am working on my written part of my Associate Teacher's exam and hopefully taking my practical part of the exam next year.
Brian finished school and did quite well in all of his classes. He is taking 3 correspondence courses over the summer so his last year of university will be a bit less stressful and much more enjoyable. He is also working for a small crew framing houses.
On Thursday, June 13 Brian got a phone call from his brother-in-law. His parents were in a head-on collision and they both passed away. Brian's sister (who is 29 and has her learners license) was driving with their parents from Magrath into Lethbridge. Brian's sister is luckily ok, she got a really bad concussion and has had a bit of short-term memory loss and will likely never remember the accident. The people in the other car were injured but they are going to be ok. We were (and still are) in shock. It was so devastating to lose them like that. We knew that we wouldn't have them forever but we thought we would have many more years left with them. It has been a whirlwind, we are still so shocked and sometimes even in denial. I never know what to say when people ask me how I am.... I'm not ok, fine or good. But what else is there to say? Sometimes I say we're hanging in there.
I've known Brian's parents for almost 6 years and in that time they have become parents to me as well. I can't even imagine how Brian must feel because I wasn't raised by them and haven't known them my whole life and I am really upset and devastated. I am so glad that they were around for our wedding, I know it meant a lot to both of them to see their youngest child get married. I am just so sad that our children will never know their amazing grandparents. When we visited my sisters and my mom earlier this week, they said that they almost didn't recognize me and that I looked so much older than the last time they saw me. My response was that I felt like I'd aged a lot in the last week.
Most of the last few days I've been trying to act ok, because I am sick of feeling sad and I am sick of crying. I don't know if it's the best coping mechanism but it's helping me feel so much better. I am trying to support Brian and do whatever I can to make this a little less horrible for him. We have been staying at his parents house since we drove down the day after it happened. After I heard I called Janet (the director of my program) and told her what happened and that I didn't know what to do because I had to leave town. I told her about when I teach on Fridays and Saturdays, about my classes in the Novice Show on the Sunday, and my students who had exams the Monday and Wednesday. She was amazing and told me that I should send her an email with all the info, and she and the school would find a sub and find people to cover my classes, rehearsals and warm-ups. I have had nothing at all to worry about and I have been so grateful and impressed with how supportive and understanding the school has been. They also emailed the parents of my students to explain what happened so they know why I would not be there for some very important days.
I feel like my thoughts have been very disorganized but that is kind of how my mind has been the last 10 days. I just felt like I needed to get it out and write about some of this experience.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Spring Break... aka I am in Heaven!
It is now the middle of my second week of Spring Break! Starting tomorrow (Wednesday) until Friday of this week I have 1 class each day and on Saturday I teach all day again. But last week I had no teaching or dancing classes! It has been a phenomenal break; I have gotten lots of housework done, I read a book, I spent a lot of time relaxing at home, I went on a lot of walks with Brian and I even had time to sew alterations on some clothes that have been in a pile for, in some cases, years.
I feel perfectly relaxed and extremely happy right now, which is something I haven't felt in a very long time. It is especially wonderful considering what my life is going to be like the next few months. It's not going to be as stressful as the last few months but I still have a lot on my plate. I have an exam in 2 months or less, my students have exam tryouts in 2-3 weeks, and exams in 2 1/2 months. Also I have to help out with 3 more shows/rehearsals, and some of my classes are in another show in the middle of June. Oh dear, I'm starting to feel stressed just thinking about it. Breathe, Elizabeth, Breathe!
The next few days my plan is to practice my exam work at the school, hopefully get my library book that is on hold and in transit to my local library, read said book, maybe go shopping, clean our bedroom, and maybe cook supper a few times. Who knows what else, there are many things I can do! Last week I had a best friend date with Cat and we went out for lunch and went to G.I. Joe's. It was so fun to hang out with a friend, and spend time to catch up and enjoy each other's company.
This weekend Brian had 4 days off so we had tons of time to enjoy each other's company. It was a great weekend! We went on a number of long walks and just talked. It was great to actually be able to spend time with him. We don't often have much time together, and while we try to make the best of it, I found it so relaxing to be able to just kick back and enjoy. Life is good!
I feel perfectly relaxed and extremely happy right now, which is something I haven't felt in a very long time. It is especially wonderful considering what my life is going to be like the next few months. It's not going to be as stressful as the last few months but I still have a lot on my plate. I have an exam in 2 months or less, my students have exam tryouts in 2-3 weeks, and exams in 2 1/2 months. Also I have to help out with 3 more shows/rehearsals, and some of my classes are in another show in the middle of June. Oh dear, I'm starting to feel stressed just thinking about it. Breathe, Elizabeth, Breathe!
The next few days my plan is to practice my exam work at the school, hopefully get my library book that is on hold and in transit to my local library, read said book, maybe go shopping, clean our bedroom, and maybe cook supper a few times. Who knows what else, there are many things I can do! Last week I had a best friend date with Cat and we went out for lunch and went to G.I. Joe's. It was so fun to hang out with a friend, and spend time to catch up and enjoy each other's company.
This weekend Brian had 4 days off so we had tons of time to enjoy each other's company. It was a great weekend! We went on a number of long walks and just talked. It was great to actually be able to spend time with him. We don't often have much time together, and while we try to make the best of it, I found it so relaxing to be able to just kick back and enjoy. Life is good!
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Sometimes, I just need to rant
I have had a hard time sleeping for the last few months, I have been whiny, miserable, moody, frustrated, stressed out, and basically emotional because I could go on and on. Before I get too far I want to be clear: I understand in many cases why things are the way they are and I know that others are people too and I in no way mean to offend or put down the system or people. I just need to get this out before I explode! I starting crying in bed tonight because for the hundredth time in the last few months I am stressed to the max and I can't handle it. So here is my rant. I am hoping it will help me feel better, or at least help me sleep. But where to start.....
I spend at least 6 days a week at my school. I dance for over 15 hours a week, I have 4 hours of teacher training classes, I assist classes about 8 hours a week, I teach 8 hours a week, and I am in a little ballet company that I attend 1-2 times a week (I only have a small part in it because of my crazy schedule). I also try to fit in working in the costume room in the mornings to help pay off my partial scholarship. Then I have 4 rehearsals or shows that I have to 'volunteer' for, tons of manditory workshops and special days that cost money and happen on Sundays (my only day off).
With my teacher classes, I get some homework (most of the time it's not too much) but as I am getting close to my teacher exam I have many books to read, hundreds of exercises to memorize, and this is just the tip of the iceberg. I attempt to read and do the extra work as much as I can but I have many other stresses as well. Also, there are times when I get emails on a day off or during a holiday when I try to spend time actually seeing my husband with homework. This would never happen at another school! They assign homework during or at the end of class. If they miss it, they tell you next class. I especially find it stressful when the email comes very late the night before it should get done! When am I supposed to find the time to do it?
With my dance classes, I only have 3 hours a week of class in which I am covering the work I will do for my exam in June. They are very stressful hours in which I am threatened that if as a class we can't accomplish things "no one will take their exam!" Even if I know the work that we have been taught quite well (not perfect but the exam in in June!) I get threatened along with everyone else that we may not take the exam if they don't know the barre soon, even though I know those exercises very well! They also tell us that 3/week hours isn't enough time to be able to be ready and that we should be studying and practicing a few times a week on our own!
With other dance classes, I am expected to attend even in we spend most if not all of some classes on choreography for festivals. Because I am an adult, I am not in any festival dances because I would mess up the age category so I spend the time sitting on the floor. I try to study (which they don't like) or stretch or watch and learn but it gets boring and feels stupid because I have so many other things I could be doing. If I decide not to attend, the teachers look at me and speak to me in a disapproving manner, and basically make me feel so guilty. It seems like they think their class should be my top priority or that they are offended that I think their class isn't the most important thing I have to do. I do find my classes valuable and I do learn from attending but sometimes I just would rather not sit on the hard floor and do very little when I could be spending that time so much better.
When I assist I am not allowed to sit down, I have to be impeccably groomed, and I have to know exactly what to do to help the class or correct things and behave perfectly. This may sound terrible or like I am overexaggerating, but I have gotten in serious trouble for some of these things, and know people who have gotten in trouble for some of them and more. Sometimes it's ok if I am not sure what to do or if I am not sure how to correct students but other times I have been reprimanded or had serious discussions with teachers or the director of my program about those things. It has made me incredibly stressed about these classes that happen at the end of a long day, after I have danced and I am usually exhausted and trying to hide my yawning.
When I teach, I love it but it is stressful. The director of my program comes in a few times a year to watch and give me feedback and advice. This is a wonderful concept, and I have found this to be extremely helpful and educational. It's also a very stressful thing to have happen and while she is supposed to tell me in advance, sometimes that means an email very late the night before, or popping in unexpectedly without any notice. Also, there is choreography to choreograph which normally should happen in my 'spare' time; by now you know that I don't really have that. Some of my classes are also dancing with a soloist so I have to choreograph that part and set up times to work with them when there are empty studios available and when both of us have time. I also stress about trying to juggle choreo and class work, this is stress I put on myself because I really care about my students and I want them to be the best they can and I want them to learn as much as they can and do well. As a part of the shows I have to attend all the Sunday rehearsals, spending full days there on my only day off. This is only a few times and I really don't mind that on its own.
With the ballet company I was stressed out at the beginning of the year but I did it to myself and it was fun! I was in the Christmas show and attended rehearsals twice a week for the 3 parts I played in it! The end of November and beginning of December were filled with rehearsals and shows but it was a great experience and lots of fun! Since the new year started I have cut back and I am only in 2 dances for our show in March. It has been a nice relief and the artistic directors have been amazingly understanding and have not in the least been presssuring me for more. I have felt a bit of guilt and stress because we are expected to sell tickets for our show and I was unable to sell any at first. I found some people who want them yesterday but before that I hadn't sold any. When I explained why, I told them straight up "I spend all of my time here at the school and I do not have time to do other things, so I don't actually know anyone in Edmonton who is not connected with the dance school". This is not completely true, I do know a handful of people in the area but I never see them. We also have a silent auction at the show that each member is supposed to donate 3 items worth at least $25 for. As I am the only member in the company who does not live with parents (or guardians) and I am the only one to pay for rent, food, transportation, school, bills, etc completely by myself (or my husband, but same thing) I had spoken with some members on the board about this because I cannot afford to just donate $75. They were perfectly fine with it, but since then I have been made to feel guilty about this, as if I'm not doing my part, I also was told that my little story about why I don't have anything to donate was 'pitiful'. My husband and I are newly married students! How much money do you think we have? And how many paintings/jewelry/etc worth any money do you think we own?
So these are some of the things that have been causing me to lose sleep, have a messy house, make my husband to most of the cooking, have heart palpatations, and generally feel pretty unhappy. I am sick of school, sick of stress, and sick of being taken for granted! People expect so much from me and I get very seriously reprimanded if I make mistakes whether from inexperience, lack of knowlege, forgetfulness or whatever else. I often feel like I am treated as though I am not an adult. My teachers are used to working mainly with teenagers and I thing sometimes they forget that I am not one. I can understand they would be in a difficult position because I am an adult, but I am also their student and in ballet, it is necessary to be extremely disciplined and to work your students. I think that it is important for me to remember that they are human too, and likely stressed out as well. It is just as possible for them to make mistakes as me.
Anyways, here is my super long rant about my life. It is currently 12:58 am and I should really get to sleep now. I think I can sleep now, after getting this off my chest. As someone who does not do well when I'm tired, when I wake up in the morning I will probably feel rediculous for letting myself get so stressed out by all of this.
I spend at least 6 days a week at my school. I dance for over 15 hours a week, I have 4 hours of teacher training classes, I assist classes about 8 hours a week, I teach 8 hours a week, and I am in a little ballet company that I attend 1-2 times a week (I only have a small part in it because of my crazy schedule). I also try to fit in working in the costume room in the mornings to help pay off my partial scholarship. Then I have 4 rehearsals or shows that I have to 'volunteer' for, tons of manditory workshops and special days that cost money and happen on Sundays (my only day off).
With my teacher classes, I get some homework (most of the time it's not too much) but as I am getting close to my teacher exam I have many books to read, hundreds of exercises to memorize, and this is just the tip of the iceberg. I attempt to read and do the extra work as much as I can but I have many other stresses as well. Also, there are times when I get emails on a day off or during a holiday when I try to spend time actually seeing my husband with homework. This would never happen at another school! They assign homework during or at the end of class. If they miss it, they tell you next class. I especially find it stressful when the email comes very late the night before it should get done! When am I supposed to find the time to do it?
With my dance classes, I only have 3 hours a week of class in which I am covering the work I will do for my exam in June. They are very stressful hours in which I am threatened that if as a class we can't accomplish things "no one will take their exam!" Even if I know the work that we have been taught quite well (not perfect but the exam in in June!) I get threatened along with everyone else that we may not take the exam if they don't know the barre soon, even though I know those exercises very well! They also tell us that 3/week hours isn't enough time to be able to be ready and that we should be studying and practicing a few times a week on our own!
With other dance classes, I am expected to attend even in we spend most if not all of some classes on choreography for festivals. Because I am an adult, I am not in any festival dances because I would mess up the age category so I spend the time sitting on the floor. I try to study (which they don't like) or stretch or watch and learn but it gets boring and feels stupid because I have so many other things I could be doing. If I decide not to attend, the teachers look at me and speak to me in a disapproving manner, and basically make me feel so guilty. It seems like they think their class should be my top priority or that they are offended that I think their class isn't the most important thing I have to do. I do find my classes valuable and I do learn from attending but sometimes I just would rather not sit on the hard floor and do very little when I could be spending that time so much better.
When I assist I am not allowed to sit down, I have to be impeccably groomed, and I have to know exactly what to do to help the class or correct things and behave perfectly. This may sound terrible or like I am overexaggerating, but I have gotten in serious trouble for some of these things, and know people who have gotten in trouble for some of them and more. Sometimes it's ok if I am not sure what to do or if I am not sure how to correct students but other times I have been reprimanded or had serious discussions with teachers or the director of my program about those things. It has made me incredibly stressed about these classes that happen at the end of a long day, after I have danced and I am usually exhausted and trying to hide my yawning.
When I teach, I love it but it is stressful. The director of my program comes in a few times a year to watch and give me feedback and advice. This is a wonderful concept, and I have found this to be extremely helpful and educational. It's also a very stressful thing to have happen and while she is supposed to tell me in advance, sometimes that means an email very late the night before, or popping in unexpectedly without any notice. Also, there is choreography to choreograph which normally should happen in my 'spare' time; by now you know that I don't really have that. Some of my classes are also dancing with a soloist so I have to choreograph that part and set up times to work with them when there are empty studios available and when both of us have time. I also stress about trying to juggle choreo and class work, this is stress I put on myself because I really care about my students and I want them to be the best they can and I want them to learn as much as they can and do well. As a part of the shows I have to attend all the Sunday rehearsals, spending full days there on my only day off. This is only a few times and I really don't mind that on its own.
With the ballet company I was stressed out at the beginning of the year but I did it to myself and it was fun! I was in the Christmas show and attended rehearsals twice a week for the 3 parts I played in it! The end of November and beginning of December were filled with rehearsals and shows but it was a great experience and lots of fun! Since the new year started I have cut back and I am only in 2 dances for our show in March. It has been a nice relief and the artistic directors have been amazingly understanding and have not in the least been presssuring me for more. I have felt a bit of guilt and stress because we are expected to sell tickets for our show and I was unable to sell any at first. I found some people who want them yesterday but before that I hadn't sold any. When I explained why, I told them straight up "I spend all of my time here at the school and I do not have time to do other things, so I don't actually know anyone in Edmonton who is not connected with the dance school". This is not completely true, I do know a handful of people in the area but I never see them. We also have a silent auction at the show that each member is supposed to donate 3 items worth at least $25 for. As I am the only member in the company who does not live with parents (or guardians) and I am the only one to pay for rent, food, transportation, school, bills, etc completely by myself (or my husband, but same thing) I had spoken with some members on the board about this because I cannot afford to just donate $75. They were perfectly fine with it, but since then I have been made to feel guilty about this, as if I'm not doing my part, I also was told that my little story about why I don't have anything to donate was 'pitiful'. My husband and I are newly married students! How much money do you think we have? And how many paintings/jewelry/etc worth any money do you think we own?
So these are some of the things that have been causing me to lose sleep, have a messy house, make my husband to most of the cooking, have heart palpatations, and generally feel pretty unhappy. I am sick of school, sick of stress, and sick of being taken for granted! People expect so much from me and I get very seriously reprimanded if I make mistakes whether from inexperience, lack of knowlege, forgetfulness or whatever else. I often feel like I am treated as though I am not an adult. My teachers are used to working mainly with teenagers and I thing sometimes they forget that I am not one. I can understand they would be in a difficult position because I am an adult, but I am also their student and in ballet, it is necessary to be extremely disciplined and to work your students. I think that it is important for me to remember that they are human too, and likely stressed out as well. It is just as possible for them to make mistakes as me.
Anyways, here is my super long rant about my life. It is currently 12:58 am and I should really get to sleep now. I think I can sleep now, after getting this off my chest. As someone who does not do well when I'm tired, when I wake up in the morning I will probably feel rediculous for letting myself get so stressed out by all of this.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
One week down, 22 more to go... but who's counting?
Well, I am back at school. I still am not ready to be back at it and I am definitely not ready for the stress that is my life for the next 22 weeks. I need to stop stressing about everything and just go with the flow. I'm not sure how possible that will be considering my personality but I really should try.
At the end of this month my beginner ages 10-14 class has their first ballet exam and I am helping with a casino fundraiser and working a 9:45pm-3:00am shift for the school. Yikes. I also have to finish all of my choreo for the Spring Show and teach it to my students as well as find time in their short classes to make sure they know all of their work and can do it well.
At the beginning of February I have my exam tryout to see if I am ready for my Advanced 1 exam in June. I am working so hard and I really really want this so I hope that I will be ready! I also will have a full Sunday at the beginning of Feb where the grades 1-6 have their exam tryouts and it is manditory for me to attend. A full day of watching Cecchetti.... is actually not as bad as it sounds but my bum always hurts by the end of the day and I get a bit phased out. At the end of February there is also the dress rehearsal which means a full day at the school on a Sunday.
This is just a glimpse of the next few months of mine. I am already at the school 6 days a week normally, and my days are long and full. Adding another day onto that means I sometimes don't get a break for 2 weeks or more. Also, my school is very physical so my body doesn't get its' much needed rest during that time.
Wow, this entire post so far is me complaining about school. Normally I love school but lately it seems like a chore and my motivation for going is not there. I have not been enjoying school at all lately, which is a shame. I really should enjoy my last few years of being a student because once I'm done, real responsibility happens.
At the end of this month my beginner ages 10-14 class has their first ballet exam and I am helping with a casino fundraiser and working a 9:45pm-3:00am shift for the school. Yikes. I also have to finish all of my choreo for the Spring Show and teach it to my students as well as find time in their short classes to make sure they know all of their work and can do it well.
At the beginning of February I have my exam tryout to see if I am ready for my Advanced 1 exam in June. I am working so hard and I really really want this so I hope that I will be ready! I also will have a full Sunday at the beginning of Feb where the grades 1-6 have their exam tryouts and it is manditory for me to attend. A full day of watching Cecchetti.... is actually not as bad as it sounds but my bum always hurts by the end of the day and I get a bit phased out. At the end of February there is also the dress rehearsal which means a full day at the school on a Sunday.
This is just a glimpse of the next few months of mine. I am already at the school 6 days a week normally, and my days are long and full. Adding another day onto that means I sometimes don't get a break for 2 weeks or more. Also, my school is very physical so my body doesn't get its' much needed rest during that time.
Wow, this entire post so far is me complaining about school. Normally I love school but lately it seems like a chore and my motivation for going is not there. I have not been enjoying school at all lately, which is a shame. I really should enjoy my last few years of being a student because once I'm done, real responsibility happens.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Back to Normal Life
It is the second last day of Christmas Break and we are not ready to go back to school and life. Especially since my teacher emailed us today with a homework assignment due on Monday!! It's supposed to be a break! What is she thinking?! What if I was still out of town? On vacation somewhere? What if I had family visiting? Or had the last 2 days of freedom planned out?
I do have plans tomorrow... to work on choreography that has to be done asap. Now on top of that I'm supposed to do homework? I do not think that is acceptable, but at least this time she didn't email us homework at midnight the night before it is due.... yet. She's done it before so she may add on tomorrow night, who knows?
So, what did we do on our Christmas Break, you may ask? It was one heck of a vacation, I'll tell you that. We drove to Brian's parents house on Saturday the 22nd. We had a few nice days of visiting and then on Christmas day, in the late afternoon we both started feeling sick. I had a swollen, sore throat and plugged sinuses. Brian had a fever, cough and plugged sinuses. We eventually both had fever, chills, sore throat, a horrible cough, runny nose, stuffy nose, muscle soreness/aches, swollen glands, nausea/stomach aches and a raw throat. I think that's it. It was so strange to see Brian really sick. He usually gets little to no symptoms while I get sick but this time he had it really bad. The even worse thing is that even though we got home the Friday after Christmas, we wouldn't feel better for a long time. I don't remember the exact day we started feeling less sick but it has been a week and 4 days and we are still not completely recovered. Our runny and stuffy noses are still bothering us and we have been coughing a bit still too. Worse. Break. Ever.
I do have plans tomorrow... to work on choreography that has to be done asap. Now on top of that I'm supposed to do homework? I do not think that is acceptable, but at least this time she didn't email us homework at midnight the night before it is due.... yet. She's done it before so she may add on tomorrow night, who knows?
So, what did we do on our Christmas Break, you may ask? It was one heck of a vacation, I'll tell you that. We drove to Brian's parents house on Saturday the 22nd. We had a few nice days of visiting and then on Christmas day, in the late afternoon we both started feeling sick. I had a swollen, sore throat and plugged sinuses. Brian had a fever, cough and plugged sinuses. We eventually both had fever, chills, sore throat, a horrible cough, runny nose, stuffy nose, muscle soreness/aches, swollen glands, nausea/stomach aches and a raw throat. I think that's it. It was so strange to see Brian really sick. He usually gets little to no symptoms while I get sick but this time he had it really bad. The even worse thing is that even though we got home the Friday after Christmas, we wouldn't feel better for a long time. I don't remember the exact day we started feeling less sick but it has been a week and 4 days and we are still not completely recovered. Our runny and stuffy noses are still bothering us and we have been coughing a bit still too. Worse. Break. Ever.
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